Who loves chai and the mesmerizing blend of aromatic spices found therein?… Now who loves yummy sweet breads like banana bread and pumpkin bread and zucchini bread?… Yeah, I figured you were all the same people so I made a recipe that brings together these comfort-foodie delights and did it up vegan style, as is my wont. And somehow I managed to tie in a dance-along to some early 90s classic rap. Because why not!

Twerkin’ Chai Spice Bread

I hope you love this mildly sweet and heavenly spiced loaf, giving you all the cozy autumnal feels along with a booty-poppin’ bounce. If this sounds too good to be true (or just strangely enticing), then by all means read on. Boombox recommended!

1 1/2 cup whole wheat pastry flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
3/4 teaspoon salt
3/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground cardamom
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
1/4 teaspoon ground fennel seed
1/4 teaspoon ground coriander seed
1/4 teaspoon ground cloves
1/4 teaspoon ground star anise
1/8 teaspoon black pepper
1 1/2 cups applesauce
1/3 cup canola oil
1/4 cup maple syrup
1/4 cup brown sugar
1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1/2 cup chopped walnuts or pecans (optional)

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Lightly coat a 9 x 5-inch loaf pan with vegetable shortening. Sprinkle with flour and then shake and tap out the excess. Tap that ass — I mean, pan!

Now you are going to temporarily don the moniker Sir Mix-a-Lot for two reasons: one, because you’re going to be doing a lot of literal mixing, and two, because you’ll be doing it while dancing along to the song “Baby Got Back.” This is a fact.

Are you ready? Are your ingredients laid out? Have you done your hamstring stretches? Are you wearing a spandex miniskirt? Okay, here we go.

Put the flour, baking powder, baking soda, spices, and salt in a large bowl. Press play on your big boombox, and then get funky. Stir with a dry whisk until well combined as you shake what your momma gave ya.

Put the applesauce, oil, maple syrup, brown sugar, and vanilla extract in a medium bowl and mix until well combined. Flip tape over for remix if needed.

Add the wet mixture to the dry mixture. Stir until combined. Keep that booty bouncing all the while.

Fold in the nuts if using. (I’m sure there are some lyrics that correspond to this activity.)

Pour the batter into the prepared pan and bake for 45 to 50 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. Let cool for at least 2 hours before slicing.

To store, tightly wrap the cooled loaf in plastic wrap and keep in the refrigerator. Use within 1 week and keep celebrating booties of all shapes and sizes because all bodies are beautiful bodies! Your Mistress has spoken.

Notes on Spices

You might get some of your spices whole, as with the coriander seed, fennel seed, and star anise. Grind with a mortar and pestle to use for this recipe. If you don’t have a mortar and pestle, you can put the spices in a zip lock bag and grind with rolling pin, can of beans, or other blunt object that might do the trick. You may also adjust spice amounts to your taste, but I recommend you first listen to your Mistress and execute the recipe as written. Then make your modifications based on those results.